Seven HOT Ways to Maintain DOMINANCE over YOUR Public Library Computer Station
We ALL know the story: it’s 4:30 PM at the public library. You are fifteen minutes into your daily Info Wars segment. You got the volume up high, you’ve sifted all the fluoride out of your sink water, and you got two meaty handfuls of wasabi almonds.
But guess what? You left your waifu body pillow in your Datsun! If you go out to get it, say goodbye to your computer station. And you can’t go home: your Mom won’t let you use the computer because she thinks you broke America. And to top things off, your beta Step Dad won’t tell you who he sold your katanas to so regaining your family honor is out of the question.
You. Are. FUCKED.
Well maybe not, comrade. Below is a generated list that has been BATTLE TESTED. Not all of these have to be used, and none of them have to be followed to the letter to the law. I assume anyone reading this has developed their own personal real-life avatar with custom fighting style and taunt choices. Choose what works and integrate wherever logical.
Generate a Thick Meat Sweat: This method requires you to confront no one publicly, similar to the ancient ninja, or secret warrior geisha. The key to this step is to find a Meat Guy you TRUST. I’ve had success on Tor Servers getting black market Moroccan Lunchables that give you good, cured cuts of goat meat. That, a little bit of turkey sausage and some vodka penne sauce, and you have yourself a meal that will disrupt your lower intestine and force your body to release toxins from your pores. If they are gonna tell you your 30 minutes are up, they have to be near you. Good luck with that, CHAD!
Keep Your Workspace Religious: Let’s make the assumption that they broke through your meat odor and they are at your computer station. DONT. PANIC. Instead, come PREPARED. Have your Bible open, and properly annotated. Properly annotated is having the Old Testament entirely crossed out and anything that is hateful or violent highlighted. I also like to draw eyes on every third page. But, find your own style. Extra credit: have some loose papers in which you have written your own pages of the Bible that you will be stapling in later. You really think you are taking a computer from a freaking MESSIAH, CHAD???? Guess again!
Preemptive Attacks: I know, I know. “All these tips are for the stealthy ninja but I come from Norse blood and am built for battle.” Don’t worry. If your blood is Norse, you don’t have to bother with meat, or cunning bible tricks. It’s simple: point at random people and challenge them to blood combat. Or, just pull your head back and Alpha the entire library: “I AM A KING AND THIS IS MY THRONE. WHEN MY WORK IS COMPLETE WILL YIELD THIS SPACE. MY WORK IS NEVER COMPLETE.”
Hi, Chad. Meet the NEW CHAD.
Make the Texture of the Keyboard a Sensory Nightmare: Let’s say a Chad managed to cuck you and physically removed you from the computer station. Little does Chad know that his Neanderthal sex brain just led him into a TRAP that YOU SET. Like a true gentleman’s cast iron pan, a keyboard must be seasoned over time. Loose skin. Wasabi powder. The McDonald’s maple syrup on your knuckles should not be left out of the conversation. The goal is to take away enough joy from your Chad that he has to return your station in embarrassing fashion.
I am willing to share one ingredient under the agreement that it not be used against me: strings of Banana flesh. Me and 4Chan agree: Bananas are a psychologically intimidating shape and texture. But the little strings of flesh that come from either the peel or the Banana meat itself has the Holy Trinity of Slimy, Sticky, and Bumpy. A devastating classic.
Don’t Rule Out Taking the Computer With You: I know this sounds like a rage quit but its NOT.
IT’S NOT.
We’ve been beating around the bush: why is that computer not yours to take? Public goods are a EPIC FAIL and YOU should PROVE it by making it PRIVATE. In fact, if you DON’T steal it and let OTHER PEOPLE use it, you’re actually RESPONSIBLE for PROVING that public goods DO WORK.
Fashion Speaks Volumes — Wear a Shirt that Says “I Don’t Give a Fuck WHAT Year or Dimension it Is: I’ll make this simple. Nobody has ever been kicked off a public library computer wearing a Tasmanian Devil Shirt (TDS). My TDS is of Taz holding a Blue Lives Matter flag and Tweety Bird is in the corner saying “Remember Why We Stand”. Flawless Victory!
Bully all Library Staff — Especially Karen: Ok. So now management has been brought in to take you down. Again, GOVERNMENT OVERREACH. Do not back down. Get personal. You know everything about your library staff — use it!
And do not, DO NOT go easy on Karen. When has Karen ever let you hang up posters of your favorite uncomfortable memes? NEVER. You KNOW Karen smells like yogurt and that she CAN’T HELP IT. UNLEASH HELL!
Well, looks like time limits don’t apply to you anymore. Throw your keys to Chad. Tell him your waifu is in the backseat.
And tell him, hey, keep your eyes off the merchandise.
