Oh No: I’m Ted Cruz, and My Two Teenage Daughters Want Me to Smoke Marijuana and I Don’t Know What to Say

I’m in deep trouble, Texas. My daughters called me earlier this morning with big news: their parents were going out of town for the weekend and they have the whole house to themselves. They want to smoke marijuana with the cool kids from the tennis team and they invited me. I’m in a pickle.

On one hand, I am their father. I am their legal guardian. Ideally, my children would not be inviting me back to my own house to smoke marijuana behind my back. On the same hand, I am also a United States Senator. I’ve lost track of what that means, but I think it’s important.

But on my COOLER hand, this could be HUGE for me. The cool kids on the tennis team are SO cool, and I don’t want my daughters to be mad at me. If I turn them down, I’ll never get another invite like this again. They’ll make life hell for me and I’ll have to transfer schools.

Going back to my boring hand, I am 50 years old. I’m not in school. This decision should be easy and the fact that I’m even weighing my options is a sad illustration of my character.

Texas, we’re all going through something right now. You are cold. If it was summer, that would be a good thing, but it’s not summer. I will concede that it is not summer, but that’s it.

But me? I’m literally a dad of two girls that want me to sneak behind my own back and do a gateway drug in my own house. Yes, I could say no. Yes, I could say I am a senator and I am not going to smoke pot in my house with a bunch of minors. But if I start saying no to stupid things, how?