I Used My GI Bill to go to Hogwarts and the Sorting Hat Sucked on My Head
I did a fifteen-year stint in the Navy. C-130s. Back seater. That means I’m flying planes but I’m not actually flying them, you know? Okay.
Leave the Navy. I got my GI Bill stipend. Lot of my friends are going to University of Phoenix. Do it online. Get a computer degree. It’s free. Easy day.
I’m applying to the school on my home computer when I get a letter. It drops out of the chimney. I’m like, great, another credit card. But it’s got a nice wax seal and the address is handwritten. So I’m thinking this is probably a pretty good credit card.
It’s a letter to me from Hogwarts. They want me to be a wizard. I don’t even get a chance to think about it because my door gets kicked down. This big fat fuck comes in my house and we talk and he’s fine and whatever I’m gonna go to Hogwarts and be a wizard.
We stop at a bank run by little monsters. The giant tells them I got a GI Bill and they give me a big bag of gold coins, no questions asked. I’m thinking, Jesus, I can’t believe I almost studied computers.
I’m walking down some street with this giant fuck and we’re picking out little outfits for me to wear. He’s like, hey most first-years are eleven years old so school robes are gonna be small on you. I’m like, I was in the Navy for fifteen years. Whatever. So I’m going to school with kids. Big fucking deal. I flew a C-130 and landed it on ice. Again, back seater, so I was just sitting in the plane when it landed on ice, but still. We can’t find a robe that fits so I get a bathrobe from a hotel and color it black. Done.
After that I go get a magic stick, couple pots, I run through a brick wall and I’m on a train. Nice train. I sit down next to a little nerd and he’s scared and I’m telling him its okay this is just the start of our next four years and after that we’ll be no-shit wizards and lifelong friends. He tells me Hogwarts takes seven years and I’m like Jesus fuck.
Train pulls up to Hogwarts. I’m trying to stay cool but, Jesus, what a spectacle. It a no-shit castle. Wow. I put on my bathrobe.
They take us in the castle and we’re all sitting at these wooden tables. Kids are fucking around and I’m sitting next to the nerd and he’s like what house do you think you’re going to be in and I’m like the house I live in you fucking donut. I got a year lease I’m not sleeping with 11 year old's. I did 15 years in the Navy. You get it.
They bring out this hat. Looks like a witch hat you get at Party City, but nice. Real old.
The hat starts singing. Ok. I’m looking around like, this is some pretty fucking cool magic.
The hat spells it out: we put the hat on, the hat thinks about it, says a house. Good to go.
All the first-year kids are putting on the hat and getting their house called out. Older kids are cheering. Some are booing. It’s great. Lot of fun. I’m having fun.
They call my name. I’m ready to go. This old lady smiles at me, points to a stool. I sit down. She drops the hat on my head.
Before I went up there I heard some kids say that the hat kind of talks to you while it’s happening. I’m thinking I am going to hear a voice or some like “hmmm…” type stuff.
No. That didn’t happen. I feel some light sucking on my forehead. That goes on for like, seven minutes. The hat is saying nothing to me. The sucking is pretty intimate, you know? Very wet. I got teachers looking at me like I’m some problem. I’m looking at them like, “Hey, let’s just be patient.”
Then the hat starts licking me. Real slow at first. Kind of playful. Like, are you licking me or not? Then it becomes big, full-tongue dog licks. At this point, I’m starting to think this hat isn’t doing much thinking.
Few more minutes go by. The thing is still licking my head. But now its fast. I don’t mean to be crass but, it’s like my head was a pussy. I’m starting to think that no one here is actually a wizard but we were all brought in to get fucked by this magic hat.
This hat is relentless. It has now been twenty minutes. Kids are eating dinner now. My nerd friend has already made new friends at the Gryffindor table. A couple teachers have left. I’m sitting on the fucking stool while a hat is digging around my head looking for a scalp clitoris. I’m not giving any indication of whether I like it or not because I’m still kind of hoping to be a Gryffindor.
The hat stops. All I hear is a little grunt. Then I feel the hat go stiff. It starts screaming, “HE’S A DEATH EATER! HE’S A DEATH EATER.”
Some old fuck pulls out his magic stick and shoots me. I fly back, crash against the wall. I can’t move, but I am filling my pants with shit. To this day, that is the only spell I’ve seen. Couple chocolate frogs fall out of my pocket and run away.
The giant fuck picks me up and drags my ass out of Hogwarts. I’m leaving a trail of shit behind me.
Couple horse rides, couple conversations and I’m at Azkaban. Azkaban is a prison. I get licked by a fucking hat and I’m the one going to prison. Jesus.
I spend four months in Azkaban. People came to my cell every so often asking me to name other Death Eaters. I’m not a rat. I’m also not a Death Eater. I tell them that. Then they’re like, what are those marks. Now I gotta explain every dumb tattoo I got in the Navy.
I get to go home. I decided I didn’t want to do magic. You can make a hat talk but you don’t have any spells to figure out that a fucking hat is lying to you? Get the fuck out of here.
I do computers now. Good money. Got a meat smoker. Make pork shoulder every once in a while. I’m doing good.
Lot of people ask, “Did you read the books?”
Yeah, I read the fucking books. Looked like a lot of fun. Seems like the kids got to really grow and learn about themselves in a fantastical environment. Me? I got sucked off by a hat that later told a whole fucking school I was in a murder cult.
