I Don’t Like Business: Conversation With My Customer Success Manager
Hi Keith:
I am your Customer Success Manager with [REDACTED]. I was reviewing your [REDACTED] membership today and noticed that you have excellent applicant flow, would you agree?
Please respond to this email or call me to confirm you agree you are getting the ROI you expect. Thanks Keith!
Debra
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Debra,
I admire your attempt to corner me into positive feedback. Would I agree?
No, Debra. My experience of “excellent applicant flow” is a myth, forged in the recesses of the corroding folds that sit atop your brain. What you noticed is a fantasy your dying mind gasped. There is a stubborn part of me that wants to scream, “what the fuck is applicant flow”, but I’ve scrolled through enough of my LinkedIn feed to surmise how you cobbled together those buzzwords to blitz me with this email.
I know, you are just a messenger. Please, take this message, Debra.
The ROI I get from your candidate recruiting platform is the same ROI I get from eating broken glass off the street. I liken your new “website rollout” to if someone built a second Titanic on the grounds that the first one avoided too many icebergs.
I wonder when the Marginal Rate of Utility will swing in my favor. Will it be after the 40th time I’ve attempted to click the ‘next page’ button to no avail? No, it must be after I’ve attempted fifteen times to use your IntelliSearch only to receive 10,000 results spread across all 50 states, and all different types of security clearances. Pretty Intelli.
And look, the first candidate is a nurse! I was looking for a network engineer, but a nurse will come in handy after I punch every wall in my office.
Okay. I’ll admit. I’m being harsh. Not every feature of a website should work. I’ll use Boolean searches and find my candidates the old fashioned way. 52 candidates. Better.
I click on the first one. Great. Just three more clicks and I’ll get to his resume. You have to mine deep if you want diamonds right? I hate you Debra.
Well, shoot, that candidate just didn’t work. No harm, no foul. Just not the right fit. Let me just press the back button and we’ll get back on the trail.
What’s this? You deleted my search parameters? Now that seems like a cruel thing to do. I guess I’ll put the parameters again, but pinkie swear you wont delete them again? Ok.
Hmmm. I’m not sure we’re off to a good start. It seems like all the people who I “added” to my network don’t give any indication if I have added them or not. Should I do it again? Should I keep doing it? Will my career just be adding the same four people to my network?
You’re right. This must be my fault. I didn’t do the training for how to use your social networking site. I thought maybe my care and maintenance of multiple social media pages for 16 years would have transferred over to your page. Sorry. You must know something about how social media should be conducted that Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and MySpace don't.
Sorry, I got side tracked by how many friends are or are not in my network. Back to recruiting.
Second candidate seems good! I’ll send them a little chat message. I’m sure they aren’t like me, who is walking blind and numb through your site like a victim of a bomb strike. There, one chat message sent, to be lost in cyberspace forever. Time to go back to my list of candidates.
Debra, this is bad. You broke your promise. All of my search parameters are gone. The only thing that’s keeping me from eating my computer is the fact this site is completely free and I am just lucky that we get to leverage the network you have created.
Oh, we pay thousands of dollars per year? Debra. I’m having trouble taking all of this in.
Please, either fix my problems or show me mercy with a coordinated drone strike of my office.
Warm Regards,
Keith
