Bad Monologues for Teenagers #1: Colin
Colin: (Colin is wearing a 1940s New York Yankees Jersey. It is 2019. Colin throws a real baseball as hard as he can towards the audience.) SttttttttttiiiiRIKE! Colin, head pitcher of the Yankees throws a strike to win it all! He is number one and he’s….he’s…oh who am I kidding? I’m sorry, Coach. I just can’t throw the ball for a strike today. I’m just…(Big sigh.)…have you ever gone on a part of the internet you’re not supposed to? (Colin moves down stage left diagonal from center.) Well I did. One morning after breakfast, I went to my dad’s computer to try and find a perfect gift on Amazon for the homeless community. But when I got there…ah, why am I even saying this?! We got a big game against the number one school in town and I’m the head pitcher! If I keep talking and stop throwing we’re gonna get creamed! (Big sigh.) When I got to my dad’s computer I couldn’t find the button for internet. It was just a big black screen. So I…I pressed a button. And it looked like the internet…but different. You know how in baseball when a pitch looks like it’s going normal then it curves? You don’t? Ok. I saw a video of a doctor cutting a person methodically into pieces while people across the world made bids on the limbs. I didn’t know who I felt closer to: the doctor or the person on the table. I watched more videos. I made a couple bids. I don’t know, Coach! I’m just a ball player. I know balls, strikes, runs, hits, and baseball. And I know…you tell me all the time…I could be great. But did the greats ever have to deal with unindexed web pages that serve as the ecosystem of criminal activities? Because that’s what I’M dealing with. Stop going on the dark web? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You sound like my mom (Pause for laughter. Do not start again until someone laughs.). Getting off the dark web would be like…like…like…striking out Babe Ruth! If Babe Ruth was a ISIS video. Do you think Joe DiMaggio watched ISIS videos? Thanks for listening Coach, now look out for this curveball! (Throws another baseball at audience. Window breaking sound effect.). Sorry Mrs. Johnson!
