I’m in deep trouble, Texas. My daughters called me earlier this morning with big news: their parents were going out of town for the weekend and they have the whole house to themselves. They want to smoke marijuana with the cool kids from the tennis team and they invited me. I’m in a pickle.

On one hand, I am their father. I am their legal guardian. Ideally, my children would not be inviting me back to my own house to smoke marijuana behind my back. On the same hand, I am also a United States Senator. …


I did not do Boy Scouts. I had no interest. All the kids at my school who did Boy Scouts were bad at recess football and when you are in second grade this is how decisions are made.

Kids who were good at recess football did Indian Guides. I don’t want to overstate my ability at recess football, but I’ll say this: I did Indian Guides.

Kids do Indian Guides with their Dad. I had a Dad. Indian Guides had a lot of weekend outdoor activities that required camping. I had the wrong Dad.

My Dad did one event. We…


Hey, movie star! Oh my god, totally kidding. You are a working actor, at best. Big day: you and Gary Sinise are going to pretend to have sex and it will be captured on film. Yuck. But don’t trip: if you follow these tips, you can get through this and STILL have a chance to play a barista on NCIS: New Orleans.

These are in no particular order because your life is clearly spiraling out of control.

Gary is going to think it’s a fight scene. Do not give him any indication it might be:

The moment you come within…


January 19th, 2019. Blackfoot, Idaho.

Jeb Bush flicks on the light to a storage room tucked in the back of Tony Chen’s American Chinese Cuisine. “Every Saturday they kick me out for mahjong, but they promise to not touch my posters.” I ask Jeb if they keep their promise. He doesn’t respond.

In cutout, glossy letters taped above a whiteboard reads “Jeb’s President Room!”. Graphs etched on butcher paper are tacked to the walls. There is a list of people who promised Jeb they would vote for him. On the whiteboard is a hand-drawn map of the United States. Looking…


I practice skateboarding at the Encinitas YMCA Skatepark. I’m not twelve years old yet, so my mom has to stay at the park and supervise me. It’s totally a bummer, but more of a bummer because of what comes next!

Kids at the park were saying that Tony Hawk was skating the halfpipe and I was like, “Tony Hawk? You liars!” But I was totally wrong: he was! He was tearing it up. What a legend. Wow, I almost said he’s my hero but, based on what comes next, I’m not so sure anymore!

After he got done skating the…


For starters let me say this: I have nothing against Baltimore. Believe me. We had a lot of really great years. I mean, we didn’t, but I think that’s something nice to say.

All things have to come to an end, and I owe it to my fans to explain why.

I wish I could put it in less unpleasant terms, but I can’t: I stuffed Baltimore. Stuffed it full. I truly can’t stuff it anymore. Women, men; last year I was filling holes at the practice field with microwaved jelly and giving them the business.

I found myself trying…


Hi Keith:

I am your Customer Success Manager with [REDACTED]. I was reviewing your [REDACTED] membership today and noticed that you have excellent applicant flow, would you agree?

Please respond to this email or call me to confirm you agree you are getting the ROI you expect. Thanks Keith!

Debra

……………………………………………………………………………………..

Debra,

I admire your attempt to corner me into positive feedback. Would I agree?

No, Debra. My experience of “excellent applicant flow” is a myth, forged in the recesses of the corroding folds that sit atop your brain. What you noticed is a fantasy your dying mind gasped. There…


PROTECT YOUR PROPERTY

We ALL know the story: it’s 4:30 PM at the public library. You are fifteen minutes into your daily Info Wars segment. You got the volume up high, you’ve sifted all the fluoride out of your sink water, and you got two meaty handfuls of wasabi almonds.

But guess what? You left your waifu body pillow in your Datsun! If you go out to get it, say goodbye to your computer station. And you can’t go home: your Mom won’t let you use the computer because she thinks you broke America. …


This fucking guy

I did a fifteen-year stint in the Navy. C-130s. Back seater. That means I’m flying planes but I’m not actually flying them, you know? Okay.

Leave the Navy. I got my GI Bill stipend. Lot of my friends are going to University of Phoenix. Do it online. Get a computer degree. It’s free. Easy day.

I’m applying to the school on my home computer when I get a letter. It drops out of the chimney. I’m like, great, another credit card. But it’s got a nice wax seal and the address is handwritten. …


I’m a red-blooded American male: I like action. I like people jumping high. I constantly need sexual breadcrumbs to keep my interest. The NBA gives me all those things. I read countless articles describing how “long” Giannis Antetokounmpo is, or how “thicc” Zion Williamson is. I watch League Pass and instead of commercials, I get dancers shaking everything and sexy 5’8 men bouncing on trampolines. It’s a buffet of high flying sex, but everyone gets uncomfortable when I want to talk about the sexual lava flow that is Kevin Huerter?

I remember where I was when I saw Kevin get…

Keith James

Please turn me into the social media titan I am entitled to be. Twitter: @k3ithjam3s

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